“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates…|
 When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, ‘Do I know you?'”

“My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.”

“Television is a new medium. It’s called a medium because nothing is well-done.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny …'”

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

“He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.”

– Douglas Adams

“A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.”

-Harry Morgan