Monthly Archives: December 2016

Montreal “First Snow”

Posted on December 22, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Posted in Humor, Planes Trains and Automobiles

Clarification Needed

Posted on December 22, 2016 by James| Comments Off

For my Democratic Friends:

“Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted new calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.”

For my Republican Friends:

Here’s wishing all of You a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year !!!!!!!

Posted in Because I Can

Company Memo

Posted on December 21, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1,
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
________________________________

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
________________________________

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
________________________________

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
________________________________

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
________________________________

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan

Posted in Humor

Outsourced!

Posted on December 20, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Posted in Humor

RIP Zsa Zsa

Posted on December 19, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Zsa Zsa Gabor (February 6, 1917 – December 18, 2016)

Zsa Zsa Gabor was a Hungarian-American actress and socialite. Her sisters were actresses Eva and Magda Gabor.

Gabor began her stage career in Vienna and was crowned Miss Hungary in 1936.^[1] She emigrated from Hungary to the United States in 1941 and became a sought-after actress with “European flair and style” and was considered to have a personality that “exuded charm and grace”. Her first film role was a supporting role in Lovely to Look At. She later acted in We’re Not Married! and played one of her few leading roles in the John Huston-directed film, Moulin Rouge (1952). Huston would later describe her as a “creditable” actress.

Outside of her acting career, Gabor was known for her extravagant Hollywood lifestyle, glamorous personality, and her many marriages. In total, Gabor had nine husbands, including hotel magnate Conrad Hilton and actor George Sanders.

In April 2016, Gabor expressed her wish to move back to Hungary during 2017 and live out the rest of her life there. Her husband stated he was determined to make her wish come true and intended to arrange for “a big party in the summer” to celebrate the actress’ 100th birthday, after which she would return to Budapest.

Sadly, Miss Gabor has died just short of her 100th birthday of a heart attack.

Wikipedia Article

Posted in News, The Big Screen, The Little Screen (Television)

Vodka Christmas Cake

Posted on December 19, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.

Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka (your choice),
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.

Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.

Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the Vodka.

Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.

Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the dog……

Posted in Humor

Straight

Posted on December 18, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Posted in Humor

Driver Flips In Brutal High-Speed Crash And Wins Race After Sliding On His Roof

Posted on December 17, 2016 by James| Comments Off

FIA GT World Cup Audi R8 LMS racer Laurens Vanthoor clipped the inside curb at Macau’s Mandarin Bend at 155 mph, sending him out of control into the wall on the other side of the track, per Motorsport.com. Vanthoor’s Audi flipped over and started sliding on its roof, immediately triggering a red flag to stop the race.
In case you’re not familiar with the Macau Grand Prix, it’s a race weekend held on a thoroughly insane, super-narrow street course. A pile-up at the wrong spot can clog the full width of the track and completely stop a race, but that doesn’t prevent drivers from going balls-out and bouncing off every corner of the tight walls.

In other words, this crash may be the most Macau thing to happen ever.

Vanthoor described the experience as surreal to Motorsport.com, and confirmed that he was fine:

Physically I am okay. It is fine. It is just one of the nastiest corners to do a crash.

To do half the straight upside down and see the other cars coming is something not really describable. It was a scary memory in my mind. But besides that physically I am okay.

Vanthoor was able to climb out of his Orlove’d car safely, under his own power.

The race was not restarted, as had already been delayed due to a prior crash, according to Motorsport.com. While Vanthoor had just been passed by Earl Bamber’s Porsche 911 before the crash, they opted to declare the winner based on the results of the previous lap, where Vanthoor was ahead.

Because of this, Vanthoor told Motorsport.com that he had mixed feelings about taking the win:

I don’t really know if I deserved it in a way, as I crashed and made a mistake and I am still a winner – which is very awkward. But I don’t really know what to say. It would have been a better show for everybody without the crash and a better victory, but I don’t know what to think about it.

Porsche, of course, was obviously not happy about the race result, as their driver Earl Bamber had passed Vanthoor before the red flag. Porsche wrote in their post-race press release:

When the race for the FIA GT World Cup in Macau was stopped and not restarted, the New Zealander Earl Bamber was in the lead at the wheel of the Porsche 911 GT3 R. However, the stewards of the meeting awarded the prestigious win on the legendary city circuit in the former Portuguese colony to Belgium’s Laurens Vanthoor – the very driver who had just been overtaken by the Porsche in a sensational manoeuvre, and had caused the race to be called off after his serious accident.

Salty! But understandable.

Bamber had been assessed a five-second penalty for squeezing another car into the wall at the start, which caused him to be classified fourth, reports Motorsport.com. Fellow Porsche racer Kévin Estre, who was right behind Vanthoor before the crash, was classified in second place.

Posted in Humor, Planes Trains and Automobiles

Extravaganza!

Posted on December 17, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Posted in Humor

The Plane That Flew Itself

Posted on December 16, 2016 by James| Comments Off

In 1970, a plane got fed up with its pilot so it hatched an audacious plan. First, get rid of the pilot. Second: land. Third: enter history. The result was amazing.

On February 2, 1970 four pilots of the 71st Fighter-Interceptor Squadron were to take off from the Malmstrom Air Force Base in Montana. They were to do so on Convair F-106A-100-CO Delta Darts and engage in mock combat.

But one plane had ideas of its own. Just as it was about to take off, its drag chute deployed – forcing its pilot to abort.

So then there were three. Major Tom Curtis was to “fight” Major Jim Lowe and Captain Gary Faust. No problem – they’d been through this before. Or so they thought.

The three split up to begin their dogfight. Once they were 20 miles apart, ground controllers gave them all different vectors to ensure that each had a fair chance. From that point on, they could do whatever they felt was necessary to win.

Curtis went after Faust first, so he accelerated to Mach 1.90. The plan was to force Faust into a vertical engagement that would put him at a disadvantage.

The three planes zoomed toward each other and overshot. Curtis climbed, forcing the other two to try and catch up. Having entered the climb faster, he had the advantage, but it couldn’t last.

So he switched to vertical scissors – using his speed to climb and dive in a spiral while doing a barrel roll. He then took it a step further by widening his spirals, forcing the other two to break out of their own climb.

Once past 38,000 feet, Curtis did a high-G rudder reversal – turning and rolling to reduce his thrust, thereby forcing his “enemy” to overshoot him. It worked… sort of. Faust took the bait, which probably annoyed his plane.

Tail number 58-0787 shuddered, then went into an accelerated stall – meaning it suddenly plunked its nose downward. Then it made a beeline toward the ground.

Curtis saw it all. From his angle, it looked as if the plane’s tail was doing a slow circuit around its wobbling nose – disaster! It’s called a flat spin. And once an F-106A does that, it’s almost as good as dead.

Fortunately, the men were seasoned, professional pilots. Lowe’s calm voice came over Faust’s radio – carefully going over spin recovery procedures step-by-step. Faust followed them all faithfully, trying to maneuver the plane’s nose at an angle that would break its spin.

He set the plane’s trim to the take-off position, but 58-0787 refused to respond. Trimming frees the pilot from having to exert constant pressure on the controls, but it did no good. Nothing worked.

There was only one thing left to do – activate the drag chute. This wasn’t meant to be used in flight, however. It’s only for extra braking when a plane lands. The hope was that it would slow the plane down enough so Faust could get it at the angle needed to break its spin.

So he deployed it, and off it went… wrapping itself around 58-0787’s vertical stabilizer. Perhaps even more annoyed by that, the F-106A continued its downward spiral of doom. Faust had exhausted all of his options.

And having fallen below the 15,000 feet mark, he had also run out of time. If he was to survive, he had to bail – so he did.

It was the signal that 58-0787 was waiting for. The blast that catapulted Faust out was exactly what was needed to push its nose straight down.

The plane broke out of its spin, leveled off, and resumed flying in a straight line – albeit with a slight left and right wobbling. Even better, Faust had set the trim to take-off, which was similar to the landing trim position. And best of all, he had moved the throttle to “idle” – putting the plane into a steady gliding descent.

Except that he was no longer in it. Lowe saw it all and couldn’t help laughing, “Gary? You better get back into that thing!”

But 58-0787 was having none of it. Freed of its human, at last, it flew off into the vast blue skies above northern Montana. Faust, meanwhile, could only watch in awe as his plane continued to fly on without him as he slowly parachuted down into the snow-covered Bear Paw Mountains.

Curtis and Lowe radioed his position and headed back to base. All three hoped that wherever 58-0787 crashed, it wouldn’t be on anyone below. As for Faust, he was rescued shortly after landing by a group of Native Americans on snowmobiles.

But 58-0787 had no intention of crashing. Traveling at about 175 knots, it reveled in its new-found freedom till it reached the town of Big Sandy (population: 598 in 2010) in Chouteau County. Seeing a lovely snow-covered alfalfa field, it made a slow, steady downward glide till it touched ground.

Delighted by the snow, it continued to slide, making sure to stay steady and avoid letting either wing touch the earth. But there was trouble ahead. Cutting across the field at an angle to its approach lay a low, stone wall with only a narrow gap in the middle.

So 58-0787 slid to the right, did a 20° turn, slipped through the opening, and continued on into the next field where it finally stopped before an astonished farmer. The man called the sheriff, of course, who called the base.

They asked him to assess the damage, but each time he tried to get close, 58-0787 would jiggle and dance, trying to get away. Finally, the authorities told him to just let the thing be – it would run out of fuel, eventually.

By the time the military got there, it had done just that – almost two hours later. So they took off its wings and hauled it back to base. To their surprise, except for some superficial scratches on its underside, it was still flight-worthy and later put back in active service.

They called Faust the “Cornfield Bomber” after that, but he was not a bomber. Nor did 58-0787 land in a cornfield. It now rests at the National Museum of the US Air Force, restored to its former glory, and no doubt reminiscing about its Montana adventure.

58-0787 resting on an alfalfa field in Montana

58-0787 after making a right turn to avoid the stone wall

Major Gary Foust (retired) with 58-0787 (also retired) behind him

Posted in Because I Can, Humor, Planes Trains and Automobiles

Happy Birthday, Philip K. Dick

Posted on December 16, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Philip K. Dick (December 16, 1928 – March 2, 1982)

Philip Kindred Dick was an American science fiction novelist and short story writer. He often drew upon his own life experiences and addressed the nature of drug use, paranoia and schizophrenia, and mystical experiences in novels such as A Scanner Darkly and VALIS.

In addition to his novels, Dick wrote approximately 121 short stories, many of which appeared in science fiction magazines. Although Dick spent most of his career as a writer in near-poverty, nine of his stories have been adapted into popular films since his death, including Blade Runner, Total Recall, A Scanner Darkly and Minority Report. In 2005, Time Magazine named Ubik one of the one hundred greatest English-language novels published since 1923. In 2007, Dick became the first science fiction writer to be included in The Library of America series.

Posted in Because I Can, Literary, The Big Screen

Happy Birthday, Arthur C. Clarke

Posted on December 16, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Sir Arthur Charles Clarke, (December 16, 1917 – March 19, 2008) was a British science fiction author, inventor, and futurist, most famous for his novel 2001: A Space Odyssey, and for collaborating with director Stanley Kubrick on the film of the same name.

Wikipedia Article

Posted in Because I Can, Literary

Polar Bear petting a dog

Posted on December 15, 2016 by James| Comments Off

David de Meulles, a freestyle rider, a mechanic and sometime guide for Northstar Tours in Churchill, Manitoba, captured the amazing sight of a surprisingly gentle polar bear affectionately petting the head of a very calmly receptive Canadian Eskimo dog. The leashed dog enjoyed the brief head rub before getting up, shaking it off and slowly walking away with the bear in tow with the tether. De Meulles spoke with CBC News about the polar bear.

Posted in Critters

RIP Bernard Fox

Posted on December 15, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Bernard Fox (born Bernard Lawson, May 11, 1927 – December 14, 2016) was a Welsh film and television actor, known for his roles as Dr. Bombay in Bewitched, the naïve, bumbling Colonel Crittendon in Hogan’s Heroes, Archibald Gracie IV in Titanic, and as Captain Winston Havlock in The Mummy has died. He was 89.

Harlan Boll, a spokesman for Fox’s family, said he died Wednesday of heart failure at a Los Angeles-area hospital.

The Welsh-born actor’s extensive, wide-ranging film and TV credits included “The Mummy,” “Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo,” “The Dyke Van Dyke Show,” “McHale’s Navy” and “Columbo.”

He appeared in both 1997’s “Titanic,” playing Col. Archibald Gracie, and in a 1958 movie about the ship tragedy, “A Night to Remember.”

On “Hogan’s Heroes,” he played the incompetent Crittendon, a Royal Air Force group captain referred to as the colonel.

He is survived by his wife, Jacqueline; daughter Amanda; daughter-in-law Lisa, and two grandchildren. Another daughter, Valerie, died in 2006, Boll said.

Posted in News, The Big Screen, The Little Screen (Television)

This new spider species looks like the Hogwarts’s sorting hat

Posted on December 15, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Meet Eriovixia gryffindori, a fantastic beast discovered in our very own Muggle world and named after a character in the Harry Potter book series, The Washington Post reports. The new spider species resembles the Sorting Hat—a wide-brimmed, brown-tinged, floppy, triangular hat that once belonged to Godric Gryffindor, a founder of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. (For the not-so-diehard Potterheads out there: The magical hat places first-year witches and wizards into one of four houses each named after a founder of the school.) The researchers found the critter in Western Ghats mountains, a biodiversity hotspot along India’s western coast. Even J. K. Rowling, the “wordsmith extraordinaire,” as the scientists called her in their paper published in the Indian Journal of Arachnology chimed in on the finding via Twitter: “I’m truly honored! Congratulations on discovering another fantastic beast!” she wrote.

Posted in Critters

RIP Walt Disney

Posted on December 15, 2016 by James| Comments Off

Walter Elias Disney was an American film producer, director, screenwriter, voice actor, animator, entrepreneur, visionary, and philanthropist. He was the son of Flora and Elias Disney, and had three brothers and one sister. As the co-founder (with his brother Roy O. Disney) of Walt Disney Productions, Walt became one of the best-known motion picture producers in the world.