Monthly Archives: July 2011

A cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your farm.’

The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t go in that field right over yonder.’

The Agriculture representative said, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!?’

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer’s huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, ‘Your card! Your card! Show him your card!’

Asteroids, get it?

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips.”

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “Shit, me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Life Line.
I was put through to a call center in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane…